Kids that are surgically attached to their phones have certain responsibilities that we lacked when we were younger. In our family, one of those primary responsibilities is to check in regularly. This was certainly the rule when our kids all lived at home and would head out for a night of revelry. Just stay in touch, okay? Let us know you’re alright and roughly what time you’ll be home.

The requirement obviously relaxed a bit after our kids headed off to school—but it’s never entirely disappeared. When we text our kids, we kind of expect them to get back to us. Maybe not immediately, but with relative alacrity. They literally do nothing without their phones, except maybe shower, so you know they got your message. It’s just common courtesy to respond, right?

Our oldest two kids got the memo. They let us know how they are and if they’re safe, and it lets us sleep better at night. Our youngest kid? Not so much.

Why would I?

The thing is, our youngest kid moves back into our house for holidays and summers, so we have more occasion to wonder where he is at night. Which is why he’s responsible for texting us any time he’s out after midnight to let us know what time he plans to be home. Except, he doesn’t.

It’s not for lack of reminding him. Every time he heads out, my husband and I always say, “Don’t forget to text us.” And every time, he says, “Ya. Of course.”

Now, let me be clear. Unlike my mother before me, I do not stay up all night waiting for my children to come home. You will never find me on the couch, bleary-eyed and wilting, making sure they crawl into their own beds before dawn. I trust that they’re okay. BUT—they have phones! It’s not such an imposition to text me to let me know when to expect them. So it’s a huge irritant when it doesn’t happen.

Baffled and a bit pissed, I recently confronted my youngest about this singular failing in his filial obligations. I said, “Dude! Why didn’t you text me last night?” And he said, “It was already past 1:00 am and I knew you’d be asleep, so why would I?”

Now, this was interesting.

Winning hearts and minds

In my professional life I’m a marketer, which gives me plenty of occasion to work with companies that are trying to get buy-in from their staff for various change initiatives. Maybe they want their people to start using a new technology system, or following up with clients more regularly, or using a different process for preparing their budgets. Whatever the ask, you can almost guarantee that a percentage of employees will simply ignore it. It’s not that they’re trying to be wilful or disrespectful. It’s that they’re used to a different process and they don’t understand why things have to change.

That’s why corporations typically engage in something called “change management” to help win over their people’s hearts and minds when introducing new processes. You can’t just tell people to do something new and expect them to obey. You have to explain why you expect them to act that way.

When my kid questioned the reasoning behind my “text me” edict, I realized part of the failing in this communication was mine. I kept telling him what I wanted, but not why I wanted it. So I explained, “I don’t need you to text me because I’m lying awake waiting for you. I need you to text so if I wake up at 1:30 am and you’re not home, I know you’re safe.” And he said, “Oh. That makes sense.”

The inverse is true too

Now, you might expect if you explain why something should happen, that would be sufficient to win buy-in. Except it doesn’t work that way either. You can’t just give a “why” any more than you can just give a “what”. You  have to communicate both.

Say, for example, I say to my husband, “I’m really busy today, so I’m won’t be able to make dinner tonight.” I’ve shared my why—I’m too busy to cook. But I haven’t shared my what. Which means I can’t later get pissed off if my husband hasn’t made food or ordered dinner. I didn’t ask him to. I just told him I couldn’t.

The people we work with, and live with, and play with can’t read our minds. We might want them to. It’s human nature to imagine that other people will respond to a statement in the same way you would. But it’s not realistic. When people say communication is the key to a good relationship, this is what they mean. It’s not just about talking about the big things. It’s about clearly articulating what you want, why you want it, and how you’re hoping the other person can help. I know it’s a lot of words, but the outcomes are usually worth it.