Acceptance can be a tough pill to swallow. How come? Well, let’s be honest: how many of us were taught the value of acceptance when we were young? Maybe, “you’ll eat this because I say so!” Maybe not. I was taught if you want something, go after it with a vengeance, or if you really want something, you have to fight for it… at any cost, even if it doesn’t want you in return or isn’t right for you. If this is the way we walk around, guns blazin,’ fists in the air, and people fight to the finish, who’s left? Who wins? Exactly… no one. Acceptance was not a trait I was raised with. I chose this on my own.
Acceptance is defined as “a person’s assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it or protest it.”
Where do we even learn a trait like acceptance? I guess if you’re interested in Buddhism or participating in a life skills program like PSI or Landmark, you may get an introduction to acceptance, but otherwise, I believe it is something you are drawn to, something that calls you. I began studying acceptance when I moved to Los Angeles in 1991. A friend introduced me to meditation and chanting, and I began to attend weekly lectures on a program called Course In Miracles with a young spiritual speaker, Marianne Williamson. You have to investigate and practice acceptance for yourself, even when you disagree with someone, don’t get what you were striving for, or if you are interfacing with people who are not on board. Many things are out of our control.
Acceptance rewards you
It’s tricky to choose acceptance in our society; suffering is so hip and prevalent. People actually expect you to suffer when things fall apart or you don’t get what you want. That’s what we’re used to, it’s the norm, it’s what we were taught to feel. Other people sometimes get confused and lost when you choose acceptance. I’ve seen the look on their faces and heard the silence on the end of the phone. No one really knows what to say. “Don’t you want to feel bad just a little longer?” Nope. It serves no one. How is feeling bad going to improve the situation? If you feel poorly for an extended period, you can use it as a call to action perhaps, but resistance about things you cannot change is uncomfortable and benefits no one, least of all you.
Acceptance is a choice
I decided many years ago that I would be the one who defines me. I remember the day I received the letter saying I did not get into the Sociology of Education Graduate Program of my alma mater. I graduated on the dean’s list, did a fair amount of volunteer work, had two esteemed mentors going to bat for me, and understood sociology with a passion; what else could they possibly want? I remember looking myself in the mirror the moment after I read the rejection letter. I looked myself in the eye and said, “Are you going to let them define you, or are you going to define you?” My answer was clear, “I define me” … and that was it. It’s not what has happened to me, it’s not what someone says I did or did not do, it’s not that I met someone’s qualifications, or any other expectations I came up short on; the only one who can choose acceptance is me.
Acceptance allows you to move on
If we don’t choose acceptance, what are our options? I mean, you can stay stuck, become bitter, or bad mouth someone or something until you are blue in the face, but if we do, in fact, get more of what we put out, and if we embody that which we rile against, then resistance seems futile. Have you ever heard the quote “It is what it is?” My husband and I use it often; it’s amazing how a single phrase can immediately put things in perspective. A simple reminder offers relief, solace, and a coming to terms with difficulty. In order for us to move forward in a happy, healthy manner in life, it is up to us to ultimately choose how we would like to respond, or feel, at any given time. Acceptance is peace you make with yourself.
There is a story about a young monk on his journey standing across a wide river from his Zen Master. He yells across the great river, “Zen Master, how do I get to the other side?” The Zen Master yells back, “my son, you are on the other side.”
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