I am all for spontaneous action. I genuinely enjoy unplanned adventures, unexpected diversions, impromptu interludes. Yet, every good rule should have exceptions. That’s why, most recently, my husband and I scheduled an argument.

TBH, it wasn’t really an argument. More like a relationship challenge that we’d been ignoring for a while that we needed to resolve. But, it kind of started as an argument, because that’s what happens when you ignore an issue you should be dealing with. Eventually, it’s gonna burst out of you all loud. So, there we were one night, loudly arguing, and it was getting late, and there was work in the morning. And, actually, there were a whole range of commitments coming up—because such is life. It’s not like you can just drop everything to have a good, long, honest discussion.

So we decided to resolve it in the best way we could—by scheduling time to have a good, long, honest discussion. Two weeks later.

Resolution takes focus

It didn’t really strike me as weird. I mean, we’ve been together a long time and we know the importance of putting focus on challenges rather than trying to deal with them in betwixt and between. But then I was chatting with a friend who has been experiencing a persistent relationship issue for years. I know because she mentions it off and on every few months. It’s obviously not relationship threatening, but it is constant and consistent. And, if it keeps coming up, it seems clear to me they haven’t yet dealt with it.

So I asked her why they haven’t talked about it yet. And she said: we’re busy. We argue about it in the moment, when the issue comes up, but then one or both of us need to leave for work, or run an errand, or take a phone call, or make dinner, and it falls by the wayside again. And, admittedly, there’s also probably an element of avoidance. Conflict isn’t fun. Discord is uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s easier to beg off than engage. Trouble is, if you do that too often, over too long a period of time, and your conflict can become a conflagration—one that actually does end up threatening your relationship.

Timing is everything

My mom always used to say, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” I’d like to add that it’s also when you say it. Don’t get me wrong. I entirely relate to the impulse to engage when your blood is up and you’re in a fine froth. I, for one, tend to become more eloquent when I’m angry, and I get to marvel at my impressive vocabulary in the midst of a good, sporting fight. But, y’know, chances are I’ll be picking words I shouldn’t use anyway. Because that’s what we do when our hearts are pounding. We say and do stupid ass things that are really hard to take back once tempers have calmed.

Looked at in that light, scheduling an argument just makes sense. If you’re in a relationship—whether with a significant other, a parent or child, a friend or boss—you have a vested interest in making that relationship work over the long term. So, instead of either putting off conflict or saying hurtful things in the moment, it makes sense to set aside time to talk about like the good quasi-adults we are. Not only does it prevent in-the-moment regrets, but it gives you space to actually think through what’s bothering you, and maybe even making a list about the points you want to raise. That way, when you do get time to speak, you can do exactly that—speak. Not yell, or attack, or over-dramatize, or turn yourself into a victim.

Ya, I know it takes the spice out of a good ‘ole drag-em-out, no-holds-barred brawl. But it has the benefit of letting you resolve endemic issues in a way that’s fair, connected, and honest. So next time you’re tempted to either argue it out in the moment or throw your hands up and walk away, consider the third path: schedule some time to find some common ground.