After writing about self-love in my last post, I got to thinking about the line between self-acceptance and inertia. Walk with me here. The question is whether we could get to a point where we so accept everything about ourselves that we stop seeking self-improvement. If we get to a point where we no longer perceive our flaws as “bad”, do we stop reaching to become “better”?

I think this is a valid question because it’s possible for some people to use the concept of self-love as an excuse, rather than an enabler. Sort of the adult version of teen angst, it would sound something like this: “Well, I know my intolerance and anger are hurting the people around me, but I love myself—and my intolerance and anger are just part of me. Ergo, I love my intolerance and anger. No need to change. If people around me don’t like it, it’s their tough luck.”

I am what I am

Sorry, buddy, but if you’re walking those mental corridors, I want to call you on your behaviour. Self-love is a tool to heal what’s hurt in us and celebrate our greatness. It’s not a shield to buffer us from the transformative power of change. In many ways, this goes back to what I was saying about the ego. Self-love is a willingness to acknowledge our imperfections and love ourselves regardless. Egotism is a decision to allow our imperfections to define us despite the toll they’re taking on ourselves or the people around us. One choice puts us on the path towards healing. The other choice simply ensures we will continue to hurt ourselves and others.

I know wherefrom I speak. For many years (more than I’d rather admit), I walked that second path. Through a combination of ignorance, arrogance and fear, I relentlessly adhered to the Popeye philosophy of life: “I am what I am.” Sounds great in theory, right? In practice, not so much. For me, anyway, that philosophy absolved me of the need to change. Until I began to understand that it was possible to love myself despite my imperfections, my ego insisted that I had no imperfections. I know you’ll be shocked to learn that the people around me didn’t entirely agree.

Hurting vs. healing

The dividing line between self-love and selfishness is actually easier to find than you may think. It comes from determining whether or not your behaviour is causing harm. Admittedly, certain harmful behaviours are more obvious than others. Things like anger, intolerance, manipulation, judgment, jealousy, cheating, hostility and uncooperativeness clearly pit people against each other and have the potential to hurt those around us. Other harmful behaviours—such as pessimism, addiction, inferiority, victimization or obsessive negative thinking—are more insidious because they appear to hurt only ourselves. However, whether we’re hurting ourselves or others, it’s all the same: behaviour that causes any type of harm shouldn’t be absolved. It should be faced.

Yes, it’s a balancing act. Self-love requires us to look those harmful behaviours in the eye and say, “I love me anyway.” On the flip side, maturity requires us to acknowledge that there’s always room for self-improvement. You can love yourself without loving your harmful behaviours. In fact, if you can separate your Self from the way you sometimes behave, you can begin to mend those behaviours without damaging your self-confidence. And, in so doing, you’ll find so much more about yourself to love: your willingness to change chronic mannerisms; your bravery to face the things about you that have hard edges; your commitment to making the world a better place—starting with you.

If it’s possible to love others without loving everything about them, it’s possible to love ourselves under the same conditions. Self-love isn’t about turning a blind eye to those behaviours. It’s about being willing to commit to self-improvement without ever descending into self-hate.