As part of my quest to keep this blog alive and well, I obviously make a practice of regularly writing new blog posts on topics that have influenced me and that I believe will interest you. To stoke my creative juices, I also keep a list of potential topics I’d like to address—which I write down as they occur to me.
Several months back, I put the topic of “radical acceptance” on my list—but I’ve been avoiding it since then. Part of that is because other topics have suggested themselves to me in the interim. But another part is because I find the concept a bit emotionally challenging.
Accepting what is
Here’s the thing. Radical acceptance requires us to accept what is, without adding a layer of judgment to that acceptance. If things are going wrong, we accept that things are going wrong—without bemoaning our fate or crying “poor me”. If things are painful, we accept the pain—without pulling suffering around us like an over-sized blanket. If we’re afraid or angry, jealous or insecure, impatient or confused, we accept the emotion—without lashing out, hiding, or trying to drown the feeling by disassociating with it.
Radical acceptance is hard. No one teaches us how to go with the flow of negative feelings. In fact, popular culture feeds us so many examples of how to deny those feelings instead. How many scenes have we watched of people losing it in the face of bad news or when they’ve been emotionally hurt? If we believe those images, we could even imagine it’s “normal” to react to pain by throwing things, or crying hysterically, or getting into a fight. By driving our car at insane speeds, downing an entire bottle of tequila, or snorting cocaine in the bathroom of some seedy bar.
In extreme cases, we even react to painful experiences by adopting behavioural patterns that stunt our emotional growth. People who experience serious trauma in childhood, for instance, often shut down emotionally and/or physically, or take whatever steps are necessary—including substance abuse—to distance themselves from the pain.
Radical acceptance asks us for a different response. Instead of hiding from our negative emotions, or fighting them, we simply allow them to be. According to psychologist Tara Brach, who wrote a book called Radical Acceptance, it’s about “clearly recognizing what we are feeling in the present moment and regarding that experience with compassion.”
It’s not moving in; it’s moving on
I love this definition because it means we can choose to feel whatever we’re feeling without reveling in it. Just because we accept a negative emotion in the moment it arises doesn’t mean we embrace it or invite it to move in. It just means that we acknowledge what we’re feeling and shower ourselves with sufficient compassion that the emotion can move on.
I’m not saying it’s easy. But I know from experience that it is possible—and that the effort put into the practice delivers an astounding payoff. Radical acceptance ultimately allows you to move through your days with peace. If you can accept what’s happening, as it’s happening, no matter what’s happening, there’s never cause for alarm. There’s no reason to over-react. There’s no incentive to lose control. There’s no tendency to fall down the rabbit hole of despair. What’s happening is happening. You deal with it as best you can. End of story.
Sure, you could choose to deny it, build fortresses to protect yourself, buy weapons to destroy it. But in our secret hearts, we all know that resistance is futile. Life challenges all of us. Pretending otherwise won’t make it stop. The suppression or aggression will ultimately come back to bite us. Instead of battling reality for our whole lives, radical acceptance gives us a way to acknowledge it in the moment—so we have the strength and serenity to greet the next moment with courage, compassion, and grace.
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