I attended a workshop recently on “Loving Truth.” The dialogues were timely and essential to our well being as a society.  How do we express loving truth when we are upset? How can we communicate concerns to our children when we see them making big mistakes?  When circumstances are daunting in life, like a career transition or an ailing parent, how do we handle it with grace and dignity?  And how can we let those around us know our heads are slipping under water without spewing fear onto them?  These were just some of the issues brought to light.  No one can deny you are carrying a heavy load right now. Honestly, I don’t know anyone who isn’t taking on something new.  As we progress, we naturally want to improve our ways of being and relating.  So I got to thinking, what aspects of loving truth can we become more aware of and intimate with?  And what does it take to recalibrate, redirect our triggers, and become models of loving truth?

Everything begins with meaning

What does loving truth mean to you?  Each of us has a different definition.  It’s important to define what it means for you and share that definition with those you love and care about.  To me, loving truth is developing the courage to speak my feelings about what is true for me in that moment, and ask for what I need from another.  Loving truth is also about listening without judgment.  We will not always get what we ask for, and some people will be offended by our truth.  Our goal is greater understanding of ourselves and others so we can navigate life more easily, and with greater joy.

Walk your talk

It’s not enough to discuss problems ad nauseam, read countless books, or pontificate techniques to others, we must apply and practice them ourselves.  The bar has been raised; it’s no longer enough to say over and over we want something better without actually doing it. Standards are behaviors we hold ourselves to.  Many of us have standards, but aren’t exactly sure what they are.  What standards do you hold others to that you yourself are not keeping?  How can you make a pact with yourself to take action steps with a friend or community committed to practicing loving truth?  Accountability is a powerful ally.

Hold yourself accountable

There are strategies you can use when you feel yourself begin to get upset.  Request a break or remove yourself from the situation if you begin to escalate or create drama.  Sometimes an internal intervention is needed to get a grip on yourself.  When I start to feel myself getting hot under the collar, I am learning to stop speaking and remove myself from the situation.  I have begun taking myself somewhere quiet, closing my eyes, sitting still, and just breathing.  I ask for a break to get some water or occasionally look myself in the mirror and ask, what do you need right now?  I have learned to ask for some time to ground, maybe a ride to the beach or a walk.  What tools do you use that work for you?  With responsibility for ourselves, all things can be made right again.  It’s time for us to stop expecting others to do the heavy lifting for us, and create the type of environment inside ourselves where we can conduct interactions with amicability and mindfulness.

Saddle up with some new communication tools

If someone you are interacting with becomes brash or difficult, instead of jumping inside the hole with them, where neither of you can get help, there are some great questions you can ask to point you in the right direction.  Ask them, “What do you need?” Or, “How you can we both win?”  Another wonderful lead statement I learned was, “let’s look at this together.”  I melted instantly.  I thought of all the times I perceived someone was against me instead of with me, and how quickly a statement like this could diffuse or turn around a situation or make me feel like someone was on my side.  Loving truth is a powerful tool.

I want to be great for you

A useful analogy I was reminded of is our need to put on our own oxygen masks first before we try to assist others.  If our wells are empty and our scary selves are popping out all over the place, it’s time we raise our standards of loving truth.  No one wins if we’re reacting instead of responding; who wants to do more clean up on aisle 5?  The juiciest statement I learned to apply with a loved one during conflict is, “I want to be great for you,” and tell them when you will return to calmly finish the discussion.  Learning to tell someone you need to take a break because “you want to be great for them” could very well be the blessing of a lifetime.